Our Basic Human Needs

To need is to have one’s body telling you there is a basic survival function which needs to be met. Needs are physical, as in safety, hunger, thirst, elimination, warmth, shelter, and creation (sex). When these basic needs are not met, fear enters, anxiety comes, and then full panic may ensue.

Safety is a basic need.  Safety begins in the womb, as we are safely  surrounded by the waters inside our mother’s warm body. We grow from one ovum and one sperm multiplying many times, growing into a fetus, then a viable human infant onward toward the day of birth when the first breath gives us life. Once we are outside of the womb, our safety needs must be met by our mother, and other caretakers in our immediate  circle. Our mothers, and in the past, perhaps a “wet’ nurse, feed us. Others may burp us, change us, clean us, hold us, interpret our cries, and keep us safe. These others are mostly biologically related, and they teach us as they urge us on to learn new things, like becoming able to recognise our needs, our own faces, our loved ones, to learn symbols and language, to help us learn the mechanics of our bodies, and to learn what is, and is not, acceptable and appropriate behavior within our culture. As we mature, we tend to push for independence. Loving caretakers help us by leading us on our journey. Their job is to set positive examples of life and living while keeping our primary needs fulfilled, creating s safe environment about us in which to live, love, and learn.

But we are nor perfect humans. Parents and other caretakers more often than not, bring what we term as “baggage” into our relationship with our children. In doing this, we place a burden of baggage upon our children’s shoulders. It is then  parents and caregivers fail in their mission and are not meeting the emotional, psychological, mental, physical and safety needs of our growing child. This burden of parental baggage becomes the child’s  and stunts their mental, emotion and physical growth, literally and figuratively.

IF–there is yelling and arguing in the home, there is physical abuse seen and/or heard in the home, then the primary emotional, mental, physical, safety needs are not met because the clinical and emotional and psychological dis-eases of the parents/caretakers are not treated and neither treated in the children. Because safety within the shelter is not provided, stability in life is absent.  Caretakers/parents may be physically present but emotionally absent due to addiction, rejection, illness, and/or ignorance.

THEN–anxiety is produced in the child and this becomes the “normal” state and is never relieved. When contact with similar circumstances to those which produce anxiety occur, then a full-blown panic attack may happen. This reeks of PTSD. This is NOT a tantrum. It IS a panic attack produced by fear produced by anxiety triggered by an event on par with similar negative and frightening stressful experiences in which the basic need of safety is not and  has not been met.

If safety is not met, then all of the other human needs are not being met. The child becomes emotionally, psychologically, mentally, and perhaps physically, dis-abled, and never feels safe because he or she has not learned to have a life without fear. Without feeling safe, no one can enjoy the rest of the needs in life.

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Janus Lives In Us Today

The two-faced Roman god Janus, one face looking back, the other forward,  is an ancient symbol of the change from the old year to the new year, endings and beginnings, past and future, closed doors and open doors. Janus may also represent people who say one thing and belie themselves with opposite actions, hoping and believing they are deceiving others.  These others are very often ones who have a stake in the issue at hand, exhibit belief in the deceiver, and become disparaged and horrified to know, in retrospect,  they have been “taken.”

Selfless and compassionate people–the givers in life–are the ones who are usually abused by such behavior, and to know they have been used by these others–the takers in life–to the advantage of themselves is hurtful to their soul. The taking two-facers, on the other hand, look only forward to their own selfish desires, without compassion, without regret, and without honor, for they are not honorable people. The adage ‘Treat others as you would have your self be treated” is lost upon them. They satisfy their own desires at will with no account on how it shall affect others, and certainly care less about any others, in spite of their words.. The “Me”  generation fits this description perfectly,bragging like the girl with a wet T-shirt at a party. For life is a party to them. They have no serious concerns about others, they have only concerns about satisfying their immediate pleasures for them selves, and they look back at yesterday and say “What a wonderful time we had” in doing for themselves. They are the watchers when there is trouble for others, thinking only of them selves first. These are our anathema.

On the other hand, Janus-style, the compassionate people give of them selves selflessly, and are honorable. They look to the future and say “I want to make life better for those who follow.”  Their children, grandchildren, and for future generations to come. They seek no reward, only to know that what their action did was to matter to at least one individual , one person, in this world. These people will be happy and satisfied in their souls, because they DID for others. They are the doers when there is trouble for others, thinking of others first, and themselves last, or not at all. These are our heroes.

The big doors spoken of in the Janus legend represented the large doors in the gates of the cities. They were said to be closed in peace and open in war. No one can determine why this was so. Perhaps, during war, it was considered “open season” on the enemy. Two-faced Janus-type people are all around us today. Simon was a Janus when he pointed at Jesus. In families, churches, governments, the world organizations. But correcting that flaw begins right at home, in the family of origin. Where does your family stand? Do you have  Janus? Are you a Janus? Pause to think a moment or three about it.

Digressions on the Wayuu

Digressions on the Wayuu.

I Want That! Not!

 When our eyes see, the brain is alerted to desire, then  the feed-back loop drives certain hormones to surge in  our brains telling us  that we are in lust, whether it is for things, another person, food, or intangible.  Advertisers use  this well to sell us what they wish to sell and often something that we do not need. Visualize your kids watching the ads near Christmas, for one.

Many times what we yearn for is not realistic, practical or affordable. It may belong to someone else, and thus illegal to obtain. It may be something which would be dangerous for our self or others to have in our possession. It could be beyond  our financial means. But the desire still goes on, unsatisfied, out of reach like the gold ring when we ride the carousel.

So  now that we  have reasons to not satisfy this want,  frustration enters our emotions and we feel stressed out. What can we do to reduce this stress and also satisfy this urge to obtain? For if we suppress or repress these desires,  then psychosomatic problems may occur. Like head-aches, belly aches, indigestion, irritability, insomnia, and over time even depression.  We may need to settle for “good enough” rather than what we believe must be a perfect match for our desire. Like having hamburger instead of that steak we drooled after.

First, we must recognize and incorporated the reasons above into our being. Then we must form a secondary course of action. Something that is obtainable within our physical and financial means, that is neither dangerous or illegal.  This secondary course of action may be a counter-point to the first. It is using plan B instead of plan A. This is substituting something for something.  Like acting compassionately toward others when we are feeling angry toward somebody.     If we substitute, we are finding something else which is good enough. Our inner desires will have been appeased and satisfaction obtained because we will have had something “good enough.”

Great Aunt Maude

Great Aunt Maude.

My Point of View

A Facebook friend of mine today posted the  fact that the Oklahoma Senate has passed a bill declaring that life begins at conception. Do these people know something that the rest of us  do not?  I wonder where these senate members have parked their brains and when they lost their ability to think in a critical manner. You don’t have to agree with me, but I would like you  to consider my point of view . Many may call me an heretic, others may call me a thinker or philosopher. I prefer the latter, but I will respect your point of view as long as mine is respected.

When a female is pregnant, that being in her womb is a parasite, living off  the mother’s systems–circulation, nutrition, oxygen, elimination, etc.  It cannot survive by itself. If the mother dies, this parasite will die  from the cessation of  these essentials.  If the parasite dies within the mother, it will be naturally expelled from her womb. At some point this parasite becomes “viable”  in medical terminology. That means if medical people can make the fetus breath on its own,  there is a good chance of survival for the fetus. One then has a baby who is a living  human capable of  obtaining  the essential of oxygen on its own. It has to take  that  first breath before it is a live baby. Until the first breathe occurs, the fetus is a parasite. Between the time the fetus removes itself–or is removed by C-section– from the womb, and before that first breath occurs, the fetus is not alive. When one takes that first breath, one becomes a living being,   just as when one takes that last breath that being becomes  dead.

Many cultures and esoteric systems on this planet believe a person ‘s first breathe is the moment when the a soul  enter’s that person’s body. The belief in reincarnation comes from this. Very simply, the souls are believed to be bodiless entities waiting and watching for a new birth so as to enter that body and become reincarnated into a new life. The soul needs  structure–a body– to contain it,  in order accomplish its work on this planet. The soul may repeat this process for infinity. Who knows?  Perhaps this is a reason that life regression hypnosis appears to work. The memory of a previously lived life rests in that limbo of the personal unconscious until brought forth by putting into un-awareness  the conscious and allowing those unconscious memories to spring forth. My thought is that this is a reasonable belief. 

How does “the church” view this?  Which church, I ask ? What does your man-mandated church doctrines, based on the its holy books tell you?  The “church” fathers have decided which to emphasize, and which they want us to ignore. But I am a thinker, and a questioner. I have asked those questions to which the church pastors did not have an answer, nor did they seem to wish to answer. I don’t care which it was, I did not get any satisfactory answers. Can I find an answer to this in my holy book?  Should the state create a doctrine such as the Oklahoma Senate?  What is your point o f view on the subject?  Do you have a point of view? I ask you to only  to muse in your  mind what this means to you. I would be happy to hear your point of view.

Musings on a Winter Day

It is a really gray day here in New England.  No sunshine, just a cloud cover over us all, which is doing its best to make us feel drab and dreary and uncheerful. Where I live, in the south-eastern part of the state, there is very little snow cover.  Just here and there, patches of icy frozen snow, with hard bare ground showing brown faded grasses. The trees are bare except for most oaks, which like to wear their russet colored leaves  for the winter. And the evergeen trees are just that–evergreen. So pretty when we have a wet, sticky snowfall. Very photogenic. Lovely. The days are becoming longer. When the sun is out, it is brighter, and warmer.  My cats will go out on the deck to sit in the sunshine for a while. I will open my south-facing front door, and the heat collected  between that door and the storm door streams inside. My cats find that pool of sunshine on the floor to stretch out in, also.   Pawtuncksey Phil did see his shadow, but that was in Pennsylvania, far from here. I have experienced some truly intense snow storms–blizzards, actually–in late winter. I have imprinted in my mind the “Blizzard of ’78.”  I lived in north-eastern Massachusetts then. We shoveled snow  for three days. That began my back problem.  One storm here was on the spring equinox a few years ago, so winter may just show its ugly side yet around this part of the woods. Saw a group of wild turkeys crossing the road one day last week. One even flew across the road. I guess he wanted to get to the other side quickly. I don’t usually see these large birds at this time of year. The wild animals do not have too much problem foraging for food, with the ground being as  bare as this. If there is snow on the ground, I may see deer track, or moose track, in my back yard, as there are woods from the edge of my property to the river.  Raccoon, rabbits, opossum, skunk, coyote. All of thesse animals and more live in those woods. I see their tracks in the winter snow.  I feel fortunate that the bears have stayed elsewhere other than my back yard.  But the bears do have a problem with making a den this winter. I read of one bear which was found to have made his den in a large drain pipe. Someone took a photo of him in it. Very protected from the elements, that bear. There wa quite a lot of snow in the photos, so perhaps it was “up north” as we say here in New Hampshire. “Up north” being Coos County and in the White Mountains. I don’t believe the photographer hung around taking pictures very long, as the bear had opened his eyes and was looking at him. ” Why? Why did you wake me up at this time of year?”  I would have taken off, too.

So being such gray and boring day, I made a soup for myself. Chicken broth, cooked and cut up escarole, cannalini beans, diced tomatoes, some very small egg noodles, 2 Italian sausage  cut up, some garlic powder and some Italian seasoning, both to taste. It is on low heat, melding the flavors together. It will be good for supper this evening. It will put a little sunshine into my stomach.

Living Alone and Liking It

I live alone. I like living alone. My company is my two cats and a third cat who comes to visit for supper.

Who likes living alone, you ask?  Me. I have a home phone and a mobile phone, so I am not unconnected to the world and family. I also have the internet and
Facebook with which to communicate.  I have had others live with me in the past. Some screwed me financially, others did not.  Most were  honest about their behavior, but there were those who were covert. That was depressing to admit to my self, as these people are relatives. Close relatives. I guess that proves the statement that “You can pick your friends, but not your relatives.” Even the ones to whom you have given birth.

I can do what I want when I want. I can go around in my bathrobe and pajamas all day if I like. I can do my dishes or leave them until another day. How many dishes can one person soil?  My cats use more dishes than I do. I can read what I want, when I want without someone interrupting me and insisting on my watching what they want to watch on television. I can also watch what I want to watch on television, or have it off when I want quiet. I can go to bed early, or I can go to  bed  late. If I snore, there is no one to poke me and complain. Clean when I like, or not.  I can remain on Ancestry.com working on my family tree all day or do something else. I can leave  my crocheting out to pick up  at will. I can have my aches and pains by myself in peace.  I don’t have to explain to anybody what I am doing today or any other day. I do inform one of my girls  if I am going someplace on a day. That is reasonable, so she won’t worry when she cannot get me. I do not  hear “What time will you be back?”  from shopping when I go to the store. Who knows when I will be back?  Not even me,  that’s who.  I will be back when I am damn well ready to, that is when.   No one is here to complain about my absence from their insecure self.  And there are no arguments with another in my home.  Because there is no other.

I can cook what I want to eat and eat when I want  to eat. And I can treat myself out occasionally at the seafood place nearby.  I make most of my soups and stews and sauces. That is what a freezer is for, the extra helpings for later. Frozen dinners aren’t for me, except I do like Stouffer’s macaroni and cheese. Rarely though, because it contains too much sodium.

Yes, there is a problem buying groceries for one. The solution, again, is my freezer. I divide  meat into single servings, and freeze.  Fresh produce in season is always a good choice.  My  staple vegetables are onions, celery, carrots, and potatoes. Don’t forget cereal,  eggs, oil, bread and real cheese. Also fruits, in season. That is when the prices are lowest. Keeping several packages of staple vegetables in the freezer does no harm, like frozen peas, limas, green beans.  Canned and packaged goods in the staple category  in the pantry. Items  like canned tomatoes, tomato sauce, beans, pasta, rice, chicken and beef broth, and  dry fruit, plus  some canned fruit. If you have these on hand,  plus a piece of chicken,  pork,  or beef, or even ground meat, you can always make a good soup.   Of   course, garlic and a few herbs and spices in your pantry helps. Does this sound like a lot? It really is not. Once you get the staples in there, everything else becomes easy.

Like I said, I live alone, and I like it. That does not mean I don’t have company once in a while.  I enjoy my girls, my  grands, and my greats very much.

I had left-over soup for lunch all by myself.  Homemade and good. And my dishes?  T hey are in the sink.

My Obsessive Bug

Somewhere in time  and at some place in my life I contracted a bug  It bit me good. I still  have it and it is growing every day.  I will always have this bug.  It is not  the type of bug which has made me sick, but I became obsessed with its relation to my  life. Without this, I  would have no basis, no place, no source, no sense of who I am or where I came from. It is called the genealogy bug.

Since the personal computer–thanks Steve Jobs–came into the lives of ordinary people–people who the techies did not believe would be interested in a computer (for what would they use it for?)–the hobby of searching for one’s various family roots has exploded.  I am one of those people. The seed was implanted by a mother who seemed to have quite a bit of family history knowledge which was passed to her in writing and verbally. She would say: “Josiah Bartlett (signer of the Declaration of Independence) is supposed to be related to us, but I don’t know where (in our line)”.  Yup. My 5th great-grand-uncle. If she were alive today, I am sure she would be overtaken with this bug also. I have been a member of Ancestry.com for some years now.

She gave to me a hand-written list of ancestors in her father’s line. She told me that I was “the last entry” in the Hardy family history book (1937 ed). I did ascertain that at the local library archive room. I also validated the list she gave me. That was well before a computer came into my life. What I did then, was to take a pen and notebook with me to the library and copy  the direct line back to the first generation in New England, and some history of where my ancestors lived prior to immigrating.   My mother  also related to me how one of  “our” ancestors was with William the Conqueror at the  1066  invasion of England, and that this ancestor had been knighted. I found she was correct again.

Searching my mother’s paternal line for several days made me more and more curious. I was way back in time. Why did this certain  female name pop at me? Why did it sound familiar? Perhaps I had seen it in some history book? Joan Neville was a spouse of a direct ancestor.  So I clicked on her name and started going back. and back, finally landing on –yes–King Edward the III of England in the 15th century. Royalty in my tree?  I thought–well, if I am looking at it, there must be some truth in it.  I double-checked with a site called   The RoyaList on-line.  There I  found my validation.  My mother would be proud of me for digging this up. Genealogists have a motto:  We look for dead ancestors and sometimes find a live cousin.

There is much truth in that!  Today I found a man who is my first cousin–eleven times removed!  We have never met, but collaborate on-line. He sent me his lineage and I sent him mine. Our lineages seemed to connect. They do. Going through the line that is common to both of us, I came across a name famous in Haverhill, Massachusetts. Now, having lived in Haverhill for more than twenty years, I knew the story.  But she is here— in my tree?  So I went to her line. It was the same lady whose statue stands in the park in Haverhill. Seems the Indians raided and killed her baby, and took her captive, among others. She plotted to escape, and when she did, she brought back some Indian scalps.  Hannah Dustin is my first cousin eleven times removed.  Another day I was researching my maternal grandmother’s line and a common ancestor’s name came up, so I contacted the lady. Turned out we are about the same age,  live only 35 miles apart and are second cousins once removed.  We visited and had a fun afternoon together. We plan to do this again when the New England winter passes by.

What I have related in this blog is just the tip of the iceberg. There is more. Much more. I was married to my children’s father for nearly twenty years and when I was researching at the library, I found we had  common ancestry.  Ninth cousins once removed!  or is it first cousin nine times removed?  My father-in-law was interested in genealogy, also. He had his line from Thomas “the Puritan” Brigham  in writing from the Brigham-Rice Family Association. I clued into his paternal grandmother’s maiden name–Howe–it is the  same as my maternal  grandmother’s maiden name. Years later, I was able to connect the dots. Anyhow this information told me that my children are  their own cousins!. Ponder on that awhile. No wonder I have this obsessive  bug!

Believe in Your Self!

Put your head up, stand tall, and  believe in your self!

When someone puts you down, they hope you will hang your head, slouch low, and believe what they are saying about you is true.

Put your head up, stand tall, and believe in your self!

When someone puts you down, they are telling you what they really think about their own self.

If someone calls you names,  don’t allow yourself  to  drop to their  immature level.

Put your head up, stand tall, and believe in your self!

What those who put you down really want you to do is to feel as low and unimportant, and worthless as they do about themselves.

Put your head up, stand tall, and believe in your self!

If someone makes you feel like you are a drag, don’t believe them. You know your self better than they do.

Put your head up, stand tall, and believe in your self!

If you have a goal and someone else tells you you can’t, set out to prove you can–even if it takes a long time!

Put your head up, stand tall, and believe in your self!

If someone makes fun of beliefs you have and calls you names because of that, you are not required to respond.

Put your head up, stand tall, and believe in your self!

True friends will encourage you, cheer you on, have your back, push you forward, tell you what you don’t want to hear, respect your beliefs,  and love you forever. You are equals in life.

Fake friends will use you,  take from you, manipulate you,  blame you for their own errors, and  leave you when you need a friend most. These people must always come first to your last. 

Put your head up, stand tall, and believe in your self!