Have I lived part of my life in a disassociated state? A form of mind that separates one from frank reality as a protective action? From what? Physical, emotional, psychological abuse. To dissociate is to live in a bubble which protects, the inside like a womb, surrounded by an unseen, not felt protective plasma, invisible, but there. Everything else is on the other side, the outside, it is blocked off from entering the little reality of the inner world. And it is everything, bad and good, between everyone and self. If one other individual is a perpertraitor of abuse, the shell protects from all others, and insulates one from all others from you. Emotions are repressed, concealed, unexposed, hidden, denied expression, until it becomes the norm. Stress is learned to be concealed. Heart races and pounds, breath is sharp and fast, skin prickles and hairs stand on end, stomach tightens with perhaps cramps, digestion and peristalsis slows, brain on high alert, fight or flight response activated. If you are an experienced stress hider, then yo can regulate breathe to slow and steady. This seems to effect heart rate and intensity to slower and steady, with less pounding. It still seems as if the heart noise can be heard across a room. Hands shake, that is learned to be controlled also. Everything becomes expertly internalized so that no one, hopefully, can see the terror inside of you. And you will protect your- self and not let yourself die or to be killed. You might be half beaten to death but you will not allow yourself to give your perpertraitor the satisfaction of you dying at his hands. You’d like to kill him. You really think about how it could be done. No way out. You’d have to do it in the middle of a beating as self defense. It wouldn’t work. He’s stronger than you, you’d be truly killed. Kids would wind up with no parents either way. Me dead, he’d be in prison. Him dead, I’d be in prison. Those days (1950’s, ’60’s, ’70’s and before) didn’t have Battered Woman Syndrome. Too bad. A wife wasn’t even treated as a separate individual by the law. Assault and battery? He could beat someone up on the street and be sent to jail. But a wife? Oh, no. A “family matter ” and women/wives were not protected by the law. That even if you did bring him to court, he’d get bailed out and come home and you’d be sleeping with him because he was there. You were wife, and this was his home, his bed, he had “rights”. No, a wife in this situation had no real recourse, nothing, and felt she was nothing. So she lived with, slept with, and bore children with, the enemy. Oh, yeah, he’d treat you fine some of the time. Perhaps even most of the time. But then, he’d snap–perhaps drinking, perhaps drugging, perhaps both, but later on cold psychotic sober, and that is the scariest of all. Before, you knew he was unstable because he was using/drinking, but now–he was cold, unemotional, unpredictable, calculating, and very, very, dangerous. He controlled and manipulated, and you allowed it because it kept you in seemingly good health–or at least, alive. Why not? It was protective. So you raised the plastic bubble around you and existed within it to the best of your ability, and became even more isolated in a world of disassociated emotions, feelings, and thinking. Eventually there might be a way out, but when, where, how it will happen is unknown, and perhaps even when it arises it is unknown–until the threat of his returning is upon you. It is then, and only then, that you are incited into action. To set up legal barriers between him and yourself. To set up protective barriers between him and your self. But–and you aren’t really aware of this–you are still in danger. In danger because you are so traumatically bonded to him, and so habitually (?) used to bending what he wants. You just can’t say “NO.” You have to learn to do that. And this, in itself is risky business, because it is just enough to set him off–either in other-or-self destructiveness (murder or suicide). and you’s rather not be the other. But the foot has to come down, hard, firm, and solid, and forever with “NO” imprinted on its sole. Oh, yes. He’ll cry, plead, whine, threaten, manipulate, want pity, insult, and what ever else he can think up, but the word is “NO!” Only then will growth start, strength begin to to be found, the bubble start to shrink. Only then. And it doesn’t come over night, it takes years, perhaps a life time, a forever. But as long as growth is occurring with in you, that is OK. It is not selfish to come first with your self.
I have Venus (conjunct Pluto) in Cancer in my first house in MR to my Moon in Taurus (exhaltation) in my eleventh house. Needless to say, I have had a lot of relationship issues, caused by my poor choices. Plus my Moon is trine my Neptune in Virgo in my fourth, which is in opposition to Saturn in Pisces in my tenth…
©1-11-13 by Donna Cunningham, MSW
I’ve been thinking about mutual receptions a lot lately because when Saturn went into Scorpio on October 6th, it moved into a long-lasting mutual reception with Pluto in Capricorn. I’ve been speculating on what that means for the many young people with stelliums in early Capricorn born in the late 1980s to early 1990s.
For those of you who don’t know much about mutual reception, it’s a connection that forms between two planets when they’re each traveling through the zodiac sign that the other planet rules. In this instance, Saturn is in Scorpio, the sign ruled by Pluto, while at the same time, Pluto is in Capricorn, the sign Saturn rules.
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I can certainly empathize with those who have chronic pain, for I am one of those who know it well.
It is difficult, to say the least, to endure pain each and every day, constantly, all the while dealing with the daily duties of life. Mopping floors, vacuuming, reaching up, bending down, picking up whatever may have fallen to the floor, getting into and out of bed, and even sitting. Snow-shoveling is out of the question. My back and legs has been blessed with stenosis, dessication, scoliosis, disc problems, muscle fibrosis, severe spasms, osteoarthritis, a muscle tear, you name it, I probably have it. But I go on daily with this life, and do not feel sorry for my self.
Over the counter pain medication alone really does not help to minimize this pain, which at times, is bone-deep and muscle wracking. I have a prescription opiate which I try to use minimally, combining it with acetominophen and later in the day, take ibuprophen. This combination seems to work well enough to minimize the pain so that it is endurable for most of the day. I also take these before bedtime, often combining them with my friend, the ice-pack.
Recently, I decided to purchase a mattress topper…a two inch thickness of polyeurothane foam under my body. So far, so good. I am sleeping more restfully and for a longer time. I am concluding it was a good investment.
I have also found the back brace that was given to me after back surgery about 10 years ago…It assists my posture when I am sitting or standing, and I have also worn it to bed on occasion. I welcome its use.
Once when having physical therapy, some years ago, the therapist and I were talking about the “old wives tale” of when before a storm our joints hurt and swell. Is it true?, I asked. What the physical therapists are taught is that when the barometric pressure falls, the fluid between our joints expands in their limited spaces placing pressure upon the joints, causing discomfort. So that “old wives tale” has been proven true. I know it well every time that barometric pressure is falling. I don’t really need to have the weather people to tell me a storm is on the way.
Whether the muscle tear of my hamstring ever heals or not, I have reduced the discomfort with this last physical therapy session of many weeks. Somehow there was not any co-payment for the group which I attended, otherwise, I would not have been able to afford the treatment.
I can empathize with others with this, as many people just cannot afford the co-payment and go without the needed physical therapy and thus have a very slim chance of improvement of their pain. I feel fortunate for finding this PT group which is not far from my home.
I will probably never be fully pain free, but as long as I have less pain, and I can control the level of this pain, I will be satisfied, and, as I said, I will feel fortunate for what I have.
The Question of Time
Time flies. Time is of the essence. There isn’t enough time in a day. Once upon a time. Starting time. Morning time. Noon time. Evening time. Night time. Time to go to bed. Time to get up. Time to go. Time to leave. Time to eat. Time to shower. Time to dress. Time to go to school. Class time. Time for recess. Time to work. Time to take a nap. Play time. Time to get moving. One time. Every time. Each time. Multiple times. First time. Last time. All the time. Now is the time. Time becomes you. The ravages of time. Travel time. Estimated time of arrival. What is the time? Before time. The beginning of time. The end of time. The time of day. The time of the month. That time of the year. Time to sow. Time to reap. Time of gestation. Time of birth. Time of death. Time to be born, time to die. Time to love. Time to forgive. Times of wonder. Opening time. Matinee time. Closing time. Now is the hour (of time). Every minute of time. Each second of time. At the present time. Enough time. Next time. Running out of time. For the time being. Co-ordinating time. In ancient times. In pre-historic times. The ages of time. Big time. The cycles of time.
Thinking about all this has set me to wondering about time big time.
What is time? Would time exist if there were no humans to count it? Is time only a human perception? Why does time exist? How long is it? The first chapter of the first book of Genesis speaks of time, but how can it be earth time when the verse states earth was not created until the third day of this time? Is this the tranlation from ancient Greek? Or is it from the ancient Aramaic? Are these translations from different times correct and in agreeement? So what about time? Does it even have length? And then, what is length but a human concept? Would humans even exist without it?
Time co-exists with space. Without space, it is said time would not exist. Scientists “discover” planets, suns, and solar systems millions and billions of light years in time away from our earth. But what does that mean? It means that light travels a certain distance in a certain time. At 186,000 miles per second of earth time. The light from our earth’s sun takes eight minues to reach us on earth. This means that the scientists are looking back in time, and that what they are seeing may not exist at the present time. There may be nothing out there now. When the peoples of ancient times saw a very large super-nova were they actually seeing the Big Bang? If those far-out in time suns, planets, and solar systems are not there now, what is happening to our solar sysem? Is it now running out of time? Is humanity running ourt of time? Is destruction inevitable? Will there be a re-birth of time? Can there be there any such thing? Would this be one of the seven layers of re-incarnation in the Occidental beliefs? Would this be human transmutation?Transmorphogenation? Would we all become one mass of gas in a void of space without time? I wonder what this mass of gas would be named? Would it be named at all? Would we even know or care?
I think it is time for me to stop thinking about time for the time being. You think about time for a time.
I have decided that discrimination is alive and well in the USA. Let me tell you why I believe this is so. We have just had over a year of inflammatory, judgemental finger-pointing in our election process, state and national elections. It has been dirty politics, each contender trying to make us–the voters–believe one is superior to the other. One thing is sure. There are those in office everywhere who certainly believe in male superiority over females. Today there are fewer of those discriminatory office-holders than there were on last Monday. Or at least it will be so when the newly elected take their places in their offices on January first, 2013.
Women are frankly sick and tired of being second to men. We have discovered we have rights and have voted many of those office holders who believe in suppressing women OUT, and have replaced them with people who do believe in equal rights–from the bedroom to the boardroom. The last century saw many advances in women’s rights. This century will see many more. We refuse to be held down, our opinions disregarded, our bodies beaten, our brains washed by men who believe they are superior to women. Am I equal to a man or am I inferior to him? Just try to strike me one more time…and you will see my rage.
In fact, I believe we saw a lot of women’s rage in this 2012 election. Rage over being told that rape isn’t rape, pregnancies begot by rape should never be terminated, and in fact termination of any kind should be outlawed. If that happens, out come the coat hangers and knitting needles once more. More illegal terminations, more deaths via infection and shock-trauma, more women so injured internally that child-bearing would be impossible. Who the hell are you men telling us what we women can do with our bodies? You are part and parcel of the problem now. You get your partner, who trusted you, pregnant and then walk away from her and the child. That says much about your integrity and values. So…all she was was just a fuck to you, and you don’t give a damn, really? And now you call her a “pig, “whore,” “slut,” and never take responsibility for your child. Oh, your famous excuse: “She was screwing other guys, and I don’t think I am the father.” Well, then, get a DNA test done, Casanova! Am I being sarcastic? Yes, and plenty sarcastic! I am for birth control for every women who desires it (from 14 on up without parental permission. Just facing the reality of active sexuallity in the young, folks).
The Christian Coalition Right–far, far right, really, is now staunchly behind the Republican Party, that Grand Old Party of yore (source: PBS special documentary). It is advocating discrimination of women. It is advocating that men are superior to women. It is advocating that their group is superior to any other Christian (or other) group. Now that black-white discrimination is mostly in our past, we have veered into another kind of discrimination. That of I am better than you are. I am superior to you and you are inferior to me. Very backward thinking. this was what women fought against when we fought for the right to vote. When we fought for the right to have birth control. When we fought for the right to have terminations, when we fought for the right to own our own property, to be ourselves, and not a slave to man’s wants and domination, and continue to fight for equal wages for equal work. We are individuals in our own right, and we demand to be treated as equals to men, in a true partnership, and not as an inferior to his supposed superiority.
I am fortunate that I live in the 21st century and not the 15th. I would then have been burned at the stake like Joan d’Arc for heresy. I was born on the anniversary of her death. I will cut my hair as I see fit, I will wear clothes which I like. I will have differing opinions from you. I will own my own property. I will own my own chamber-pot. I will have my own checking-savings account, I will have a say in our children’s upbringing, I will have control over my own body, I will have control over my pregnancies. I will look at you as my partner in life, unless you view yourself as superior and me as your inferior. If that happens, we are done.
Some things should never become a political issue. We just voted to oust those who think these issues should be a political issue. I hope the next few years make a difference, and this type of discrimination finds its end. By the way, I am not some young chick fired up about all of this. I’m 77 and have seen much too much of this type of discrimination.
Here I am, once again, ready to rattle the brains of those who will allow me to get in their brains and get their fancies tweaked.
By fancies, I mean anything which they have an opinion on and perhaps are extremely opinionated on, so much that they wear horse-blinders and cannot see anything which is to one side or the other. Just straight ahead, no looking anywhere else, up, down, left or right.
Hmm. Don’t look up, don’t see the clouds or the blue sky or the promise of a sunny or stormy day. Don’t look down, and somehow find yourself in that pothole in the road, or the big puddle of muddy water covering it, or maybe never see that rattlesnake waiting for a treat. Ugh. What a mess that would be, just because you were not looking ahead for hazards. Don’t look left or right, and miss a good turn toward an easier path to your goal. Plus, you miss a lot of nice scenery on the way. But you go on your course, straight ahead, because you feel that is the way and that is the ONLY way to arrive at your goal. No, ifs ands, or buts, about it. You know best, because the road ahead is the only road you see. So that is it, and you follow it. Your mind is made up with no reason behind your thinking. Has someone else convinced you this was the way to your goal? Was it a religion, politics, educational institutions, culture? What do they base their tenets, beliefs and ethos upon? How do they know what IS right? How does anyone? Does it work for them while being respectful to others? So perhaps with trepidation in your heart, you follow their plan for your own. You don’t look up, down, side to side or even think about taking off the blinders placed there by another. You miss many signs along the path, many places you could explore, to learn about and from, because your mind is now in a closet with the door shut tight, the light blocked out, and you think you are making an intelligent, rational decision for your self.
You may never realize that you’ve been HAD. Had by the choices and set-in-stone opinions of others. Do you realize what you are doing? I believe not. If you did know, you wouldn’t be going down the road with blinders on in the first place. Just because someone told you something is true, does not make it so. Look at a map for example. How do you go from point A to point B? someone tells you this way, another tells you that way, and someone else says another way is the best. None of them are really wrong. But none of them are thoroughly right, either. You must examine the map and find YOUR best way to go on that road. If you do not do your own research (by looking at your map) you are not using your own mind to form your own decisions. YOU are allowing others to lead you to their goal, and not heading toward your own goal. You are actually following the others, allowing them to make your mind up for you, and when it begins to tweak your gut feelings, and makes your brain rattle, you don’t like it.
You realize something is wrong here. What? Well, you are allowing others to run your life by thinking for you, making decisions for you, making plans for you, and you are allowing your self to never see the many tremendous options you have in making your own decisions and choices in your own life for your own self. In order to find your way on the road of life, you must learn think, and to explore our options. And these are many. Take off the blinders, see the pot-holes and the muddy puddles, the other wonderful side-paths to your goal, find the beauty of your life on the way. But on the way, THINK. Then look at all sides, forward, backward, up, down, left and right. Inform yourself, learn from life, your self and others and then decide for your self which path you will take on the way. Above all, be respectful of others, even if you don’t agree with them.
Go for it.
Who Knows What Evil Lurks In The Minds Of Men?
The Shadow Knows. Hahahahaha!!!!
How many of my readers remember this radio program? The man with the powers to journey into the land of our shadows had studied the Mysteries in Tibet, allowed to be known to only a select few outsiders. I was fascinated by this program which dealt with the hidden aspect of man –the evil shadow of himself. It was a program of psychological delving into the darkness of man’s soul, the evil shadow, exposing it for what it is. All humans have a dark side, one that is hidden from their own self. Denied , but running rampant with life itself. The great psychoanalyst Carl Jung wrote extensively on his study of the shadow living within our selves. Although the Shadow in the program was the Good guy, conquering the evil of man throughout the earth, man’s actual shadow is something else.
You probably have heard someone say “So-and-so is a nice guy,” and then qualify it with “When he’s sober…” The shadow side is controlling that individual’s life. Some shadow’s are less evil than others, but, inevitably, evil. Serial killers and spree killers have shadows which are very black, and very evil. You must have read or heard in the media, how intelligent Ted Bundy was, of John Wayne Gacy’s involvement with his community and church. How “The Birdman of Alcatraz” wrote the book on bird medicine. But–he told the parole board if he got out, there were “other people” he was waiting “to kill.” The Catholic priests who molested the boys in their parishes. The boy scout leaders, youth leaders, teachers, nice next door neighbors, the loving grandfather, step-dad, sibling, father, uncles, cousins, mothers who kill their children. This is their shadow basking in the sunshine. Then we comment; “But he/she is such a nice guy/gal!”
We do not know what lies down deep in the psyche of others until the sun casts the shadow long enough for the world to see. Other times, when the sun is directly over their heads, there is no shadow to see, but it is there, hidden under the facade goodness and righteousness and respectability, inside him, ready to show itself when the sun goes down and the shadows grow long. It is the father who molests his own children when he is drunk. It is the mother who is bipolar, not taking her medications, and murders her children. It is a teacher who has an affair with her young under-age student. It is the priest who molests his alter boys. A grandfather who molests his grand child. The good friend who has inserted himself into your life and is so good to your kids, building trust. You even have him baby-sit your kids.
Then it is happening to your children. These people know no personal boundaries, and do not respect any one else’s boundaries or society’s’ laws. There are no taboos, whether it be molestation, rape, murder, torture, thievery, scamming of others, bringing grief to others. Recently a man found his good friend molesting his little girl. She was not old enough to protect herself. The dad did it himself. He beat and killed the molester. He is not charged with any crime. He was protecting his daughter from harm. The so-called “friend” may have molested other little girls, who knows?
“Stranger Danger” is taught in most of our schools. We teach our children to be wary of strangers. But we DON’T do the same concerning people who are members of our own families, friends and communities! THIS unfortunately is where the problem lies, not with strangers. Of course, sometimes it does occur. Just watch Nancy Grace. But we must come to the realization that our children are in more danger of harm, sexually, psychologically, physically, mentally from people who are close to us in proximity in our families, communities, friends! Statistics are out there proving what I have related. I will leave it to you to research the subject on-line. Start educating yourself today.
Who knows what evil lurks in the minds of men?
The shadow knows!!! Hahahahaha!!!!